


It's Time to Begin, isn't it?

by Celebrate_the_irony



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Amnesia! Louis, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-23
Updated: 2014-03-23
Packaged: 2018-01-16 17:51:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1356499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Celebrate_the_irony/pseuds/Celebrate_the_irony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In fact he can’t remember a lot of things; he can’t remember why he is lying on what appears to be a hospital bed, he can’t remember who is this woman sleeping in the chair beside the bed, and he also can’t remember why he has a wristwatch on his left wrist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Time to Begin, isn't it?

**Author's Note:**

> I had an urge to write a drama so I wrote one and I'm not sure how I feel about it. 
> 
> If you think that the way I've written Louis amnesia is inaccurate or offensive or just plain wrong let me know and I'll fix it. I'm no expert on this and I tried to do as much research on the topic as I could but I can always be wrong.
> 
> The title comes from It's Time by Imagine Dragons which I didn't know. I got the title off a 8tracks playlist I listened to obsessively while writing this. Coincidentally the lyrics fit in perfectly with the story so it worked out well I think.

He can’t remember how he got here, that’s the first thing Louis thought when he regained conscious. Doing a quick glance around the room only confirmed this. In fact he can’t remember a lot of things; he can’t remember why he is lying on what appears to be a hospital bed, he can’t remember who is this woman sleeping in the chair beside the bed, and he also can’t remember why he has a wristwatch on his left wrist.

The second thing Louis thought is why is _Neighbours_ playing loudly on the television above him and what can he do to make it stop. He conceded not much considering that the arm that was not wearing a wristwatch was in a plaster cast. Why the hell would he choose a blue cast? Red is his favourite colour; who thought blue was a good idea? He glanced back over at the woman, she looked uncomfortable and she was snoring ever so slightly. Louis hoped she was not the nurse or the doctor. But just in case she was Louis prodded her with his finger.

“Erm excuse me,” Louis said quietly. “Excuse me, do you mind turning this down?” he said a bit louder. The woman woke up and looked at Louis.

“Louis!” she yelled piercingly and practically jumped on top of him.

“Er yes that would be me,” Louis said alarmed at the reaction from the strange woman. “Could you turn down the telly please? I mean I would but you are sitting on my free arm,”

‘Oh yeah sure sorry Lou,” She said and quickly got off the bed. “How are you feeling? You’ve been out for nearly week now.” she said while turning down the television.

“I have?” Louis asked.

“Yeah we were in a car accident, I got out fine but you got the worst of it.” She explained and put the remote back down. Wait did Louis know her? Was he supposed to know her? He very much did not know her; she didn’t even look slightly familiar.

“Well clearly,” Louis said dryly. She laughed. “Is it just the arm?”

“Not exactly, the doctors are unsure why you’ve been unconscious for so long. Because it is just the arm but then why were you out for a week y’know?” She said. “Speaking of doctors I should call the nurse,” She said and pressed a button on the side of the bed that Louis didn’t know was there.

“You mean you’re not the nurse?”

“Well no,” She laughed. She looked at Louis who was not laughing along with her but genuinely confused. “Louis I’m your fiancée,”

“My what?” Louis spluttered out. He had a _fiancée_? _A girl fiancée_? No that’s not right that’s just wrong he can’t have a girl fiancée that doesn’t even sound a little bit like something he’d do. He was so panicked that he forgot to laugh at the accidental innuendo he made

“You don’t remember?” she asked just as confused as Louis was. Louis shook his head. At that moment the nurse entered the room.

“Hello Mr. Tomlinson!” He said cheerily. “Have a nice sleep?”

“I don’t know I wasn’t awake for most of it,” 

“And how are we feeling today?”

“Surprised mostly,” Louis said. The nurse laughed, Louis and the girl did not.

“Yes, that’s a common reaction. We had one person in here who woke up still thinking they were driving the car, what a shock they had when they discovered they had no foot to put on the pedal,” The nurse threw back his head and laughed. Louis became slightly more concerned about trusting this man with his recovery. The woman went up to the nurse.

“Erm we do have a bit of a problem actually,” She started.

“What’s that love?”

“He doesn’t remember me,” She said, her voice wavered as she said it, as though it just fully hit her then.

“Well that’s not right, that should have gone by now.” The nurse suddenly changed his entire manner, he went from man you wouldn’t let go near you with a bowl of jelly let alone an iv drip to a professional nurse.

“What should be gone by now?” The woman asked confused.

“Post-traumatic amnesia, it’s common for those who had such a concussion like your fiancée did over there to lose their memory for a while. But that should only last a few hours or a day at the most.” The nurse said. ”What’s the first thing you remember?”

“Umm,” Louis said and pretended to be deep in thought. “I don’t know it was a long time ago,”

“No the first memory you have that pops into your head,” The nurse clarified.

“Oh, ummmm, I’ve forgotten the question.”  Louis said while trying to hide his smirk. The nurse tutted and shook his head.

“Are you messing with me Mr. Tomlinson?”

“A little,” Louis said and grinned. Eleanor looked at him as though she’s never seen him smile in her life.

“I’ll get the doctor,” The nurse said and left the room. He was laughing on the inside Louis was sure of it.

“Louis, what’s gotten into you?” The woman said in disbelief. She seriously did not just ask Louis that.

“I dunno maybe the fact I suddenly have a female fiancée and I have very little idea of who I am past the fact I like the colour red.” Louis ranted.

“A female fiancée? You have a problem with me being female?” She asked.

“A little yes,” Louis answered after a pause. “In fact a lot yes,”

“Lou, are you gay?” She asked. Louis may be wrong, but she looked glad about Louis’s sudden abhorrence at her

_“Lou, I think I might be gay” The boy said pressed up against Louis._

_It was a dark night and Louis could barely make out his hand in front of him let alone the stunningly attractive boy lying cramped up against him. They were sharing a deck chair looking up at the stars, which didn’t work out so well as there were no stars to look at. Louis didn’t mind he was more focused on the boy he had his arms wrapped around._

_“Yeah, me too,” Louis replied_

_“Yeah but Lou,” The boy swallowed hard and took a deep breath “I think I might be gay for you,” He turned his head up to look at Louis’s reaction. Louis could feel his heart race._

_“Yeah... me too,” Louis said breathlessly. “Wait no that came out wrong I meant I really really like you not that I am gay with myse-“ He was cut off by the boy kissing him hard on the lips. Louis was taken aback but then after he recovered his composure he feverishly kissed the boy back. It was clichéd but Louis could have sworn he heard fireworks._

“Lou? Lou are you ok?” The woman said panicky. Louis was lying on his bed gasping for breath, what was that?

“Yes, I mean yes I’m gay and no I’m not ok,”

* * *

The doctor made Louis go through a series of tests before coming to the conclusion he had a form of retrograde amnesia. In all honesty Louis didn’t really care he was still recovering from that memory. He just couldn’t believe that that was a real thing that once happened to him. At least he thought that happened to him, the more he thought about it the more he felt like he made it up. He was sure he didn’t because he could still remember the way the boy curled up against him and the way he could feel every ridge of the boy’s spine. He realised that that was probably his first kiss, Louis’s not the boy’s, and as far as first kisses go it seemed pretty damned perfect. He’s not sure how he got his fiancée, who he recently learned that her name was Eleanor, when something like that happened.

Speaking of Eleanor, she was currently outside Louis’s hospital room explaining the situation to Louis’s parents. Louis was a little in shock when he heard his parents were here, he knew he had parents but he didn’t remember much about them. He knew his dad didn’t talk much which could probably explain Louis’s newfound tendency to ramble. He only remembers one thing about his mother, she wore a silver cross around her neck and Louis’s not sure why but he remembers absolutely hating that cross. Even thinking about that cross made him angry and he has no idea why.

Anyway, Louis was getting off track, his parents were outside and he wasn’t sure what to expect. He genuinely didn’t really know these people and it scared him a little to know that they would be all over him wanting to know how he was and things like that.

Eleanor opened the door to the room and gave a look to Louis that he assumed meant “Brace yourself”. His mother barged into the room, wearing the cross Louis noticed, with his father shuffling in behind her.

“Oh honey,” She cried out and wrapped Louis in a big motherly hug. It didn’t feel as comforting as it probably should have. “We were so worried about you. We prayed for you every night and we even got the minister to pray for you. Thank the lord it’s just a broken arm and a concussion.”

“Sweetheart you know just as well as I do that it isn’t a concussion.” Louis’s dad interjected. Jay let go of Louis and sat comfortably on the bed, not comfortable for Louis but he sure as hell wasn’t going to tell her.

“Oh well it’s just amnesia. It’s not anything serious.” She said dismissively. “Mrs. Peabody, you remember her don’t you Louis,” Louis frowned at her. “Oh right, well she got amnesia and it wore off after a few hours.”

“That was probably post-traumatic amnesia, Mrs Tomlinson,” Eleanor said.

“Oh please honey, call me Jay,” Jay said. Oh so she wasn’t just Mother, Louis forgot that parents have names. Not _forgot_ forgot mind you, it just slipped his mind that his mother would have a name, he wondered if his father has a name. He hoped it was something like George.

“Louis has got retrograde amnesia, that doesn’t wear off after a few hours. It’s permanent.” Eleanor said as though she had told her this a thousand times before.

“Don’t be so dramatic Eleanor. He’ll remember things just fine once we get him back home and out of this hospital room. Doesn’t this room just give you the chills? It feels like a waiting room for Jesus in here.” Jay said. Louis got the feeling that his mother was the type of woman that had her foot firmly in her mouth without fear of it falling out.

“Honey,” His father warned Jay. She waved her hand at him dismissively.

“Well it does.” Jay said in her defence. “Now how are you feeling sweetie?” She said to Louis. Now probably would be a bad time to bring up the ending of his engagement and the reason why.

“As good as someone who doesn’t remember his past can feel.” Louis said being intentionally vague.

“What do you remember sweetheart?”  She asked. He glanced over at Eleanor who did an excellent mime that suggested he should not tell his mother about that memory.

She was the person who he told about the memory. In fact that whole night last night was just them talking it out. Louis realised over the course of last night that Eleanor genuinely cared for Louis. She admitted that she sort of knew before the accident that he was not exactly straight or even interested in her in that way. But she stood by him because she didn’t know why but Louis needed her. Anytime she would bring up the whole gay thing Louis would get really angry and furiously proved that he wasn’t. Well he tried to Eleanor would stop him and put him to bed. Louis listened to the pathetic details of their attempt of a romantic relationship and came to the conclusion that he didn’t know why he needed her but he had a gut instinct that he still does need her. He told her this and she said she’d stand by him as long as she was needed.

“Err my favourite colour is red.” He offered after going through every memory in his mind and chose one that wouldn’t deeply offend his mother.

“I thought it was blue?” Jay said and gestured to the cast.

“No it’s red,”

“I am certain that it was blue,” She insisted.

“You certainly thought wrong then because it’s red.” Louis said. Why was she getting worked up about his favourite colour? Louis was sure that colour was a safe topic; he didn’t even want to imagine if he mentioned that he wasn’t getting married anymore.

“No honey don’t be so silly it’s blue,”

“It might have been blue before but it’s definitely red now.” Louis was getting really heated over this. He was about ready to get into a physical fight over this. He could use the cast to his advantage.  

“Whatever you say honey, now I’ve just had a splendid idea. Why don’t you and Eleanor come over and stay at the family home for a while? Maybe you might start remembering things in a familiar environment?” Jay said as though she wasn’t about to take no for an answer.

“We thought we might stay at our home for a while. Just take it easy you know?” Eleanor said defiantly. What a brave woman.

“You can take it easy at our house. When are you being discharged?”

“Err tomorrow I think?” Louis answered

“Great we’ll be seeing you then. Come on sweetheart,” Jay said to Louis’s dad. She got off the bed and went to leave.

“Mrs Tomlinson I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Eleanor interjected.

“Don’t be ridiculous. We only want what’s best for Louis.” She said and turned and left with Louis’s dad trailing after her.

_“We only want what’s best for you darling,” Jay said. She was sitting on Louis’s bed, Louis had his knees pressed up against his chest and his cheeks were wet from crying. He furiously wiped the tears off his face with the sleeve of his football jersey._

_“How would you know what’s best for me?”  He said angrily._

_“I’m your mother honey, I always know what’s best for you,” She said in that sickeningly smug tone she always used when she was getting her way._

_“You never know what’s best for me. You just want to be better than your stupid fucking church group; you couldn’t give two shits about me and what I want.” Louis retaliated._

_“Don’t use that language in my house Louis Tomlinson.” She said harshly before returning to her even tone. “I just don’t want you missing opportunities because of this... thing.”_

_“Just say gay mother, it’s only one syllable it shouldn’t be too hard for someone of your mental capacity.” Louis said while glaring at Jay as though she was something that he stood in._

_“If you’re one of those queers, how do you expect to be married? Or have children? And it is dangerous to be a sodomite, you will get AIDS. I’m just scared for you honey.” Jay said calmly and almost patronizingly._

_“Have you ever thought that maybe I don’t want to get married? That I don’t want to have kids? That it is perfectly ok nowadays to have AIDs because of modern medicine?” Louis responded._

_“Don’t be stupid sweetie. I’ll just leave this here and maybe you’ll think about it ok darling? Love you.” She stood up and kissed Louis’s forehead. She put the pamphlet down on Louis’s nightstand and left. Louis didn’t even consider looking at it before picking it up and tearing it into little tiny shreds._

“Louis, it’s ok.” Eleanor said when she saw Louis crying. “It’s ok babe. Just breathe.” She went over to Louis and got into bed with him. Louis lent on Eleanor who put her arms around Louis and started rubbing circles onto his back. This just made Louis cry more. The next week or so was possibly going to be the most difficult week of his life.

* * *

They turned up at the house around five. Eleanor tried to put it off as long as possible and for that Louis was thankful, he didn’t think he could handle any more memories involving his mother. Eleanor pulled the car up in front of the house; it was quite a big house ten minutes away from the main town. Growing up in the country wasn’t exactly a walk in the park from what Louis remembers, he remembers being unhappy here and reading a lot. He had a bookcase in his room that was bursting at the seams, Louis loved that damn bookcase. He’s sure that if Eleanor wasn’t here he’d probably learn to love it again. 

Anyway Eleanor got out of the car and opened up the boot. By the time Louis finished fumbling around, adjusting his sunglasses and getting Eleanor’s bag for her, she had already gotten the big hefty suitcase out of the back of the car.

“Forgotten how to undo your seatbelt?” Eleanor smirked.

“How very dare you!” Louis yelled jokingly at her.

“Then help me with the suitcases!” She shouted back. Louis rolled his eyes. He was glad he had Eleanor here; it was nice to have someone on his side when it came to his mother.

He was still processing that memory from last night. He had no idea what that pamphlet was but he knew it can’t have been good. He also had no idea what she thought was best for him, but guessing from his reaction he didn’t agree with her. He wondered if it had to do with the boy from the previous memory. He was certain that he would never intentionally come out to his mother, he liked to think teenage him had more common sense than that. Although he might have been that stupid, he didn’t know.

“LOUIS! SUITCASES! COME ON!” Eleanor shouted from the back of the car. Louis snapped out of his thinking and got out of the car. Eleanor was standing next to two huge suitcases with her arms crossed. “Take your time sweetheart it’ll save the drive up here for Christmas.” Louis waved his cast at her. 

“Er hello earth to Elle, car accident, broken arm, amnesia.” Louis said. Eleanor broke out in a big grin to which Louis frowned at. “What?”

“You’ve never called me Elle before,”

“Haven’t I?” Louis asked “Do you like it?”

“Yeah actually.” Eleanor said.

“I must have been an unimaginative prick before, not even giving you a nickname.” Louis said as he went over to his suitcase and with his free arm picked up the handle. Eleanor laughed.

“I think you were too preoccupied with other things to pay attention.” Eleanor said almost wistfully. Louis didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t, “Well as nice as this is, we have your mother to answer to.” Eleanor said and grinned evilly.

“That was a cheap shot.” Louis winced. Eleanor poked her tongue out. They walked over to the front door of the house and Eleanor rang the doorbell.  Louis’s dad answered the door.

“Hello Mr. Tomlinson!” Eleanor said cheerily.

“Hi Dad!” Louis said in the same tone. Mr Tomlinson did not return their enthusiasm.

“Your mother is in the bath,” He said and walked off leaving the door open. Louis and Eleanor looked at each other and then entered the house. It was a quite spacious house, perfect for boasting about.  Louis wouldn’t call it a home it didn’t look lived in at all; it looked like they had just moved in. Louis bet that his mother was very proud of that.

“Well he’s glad to see us.”  Louis said dryly.

“He just has an odd way of showing it that’s all. Don’t be so dramatic,” Eleanor said in a strangely reassuring way.  “Are we in Louis’s room?” She yelled at Mr. Tomlinson. He grunted out a yes. Eleanor gestured at Louis to follow her.

She took him up stairs and through unfamiliar doors. They finally got to the room and Eleanor put her suitcase on her side of the bed. She took Louis’s suitcase and placed on the other side. She started to unpack her clothes and Louis looked around the room. It had clearly been renovated since Louis lived there; all signs of life had been removed. Except for the bookcase, Louis smiled and headed straight for it.

“You and that bookcase,” Eleanor said and rolled her eyes. “You’ve always loved that thing.”

“I’m allowed to be sentimental about some part of my childhood. It’s the only thing worth being sentimental about.” Louis said indignantly.

“You don’t remember your childhood.” Eleanor replied.

“I do too! I mean bits and pieces, mostly the bookcase.  Ok I see your point.” Louis conceded.

“Come and unpack Lou,” Eleanor said. Louis did as he was told. At some point his mother popped her head around the door while putting in an earring.

“Hi darlings I completely forgot tonight was pot luck dinner with the girls. You remember the church group I’m a part of don’t you Louis?” Louis frowned at her exaggeratedly. “Oh don’t be silly darling you’re not the only one who’s allowed to forget things. At any rate, tonight is a fairly important dinner so your father and I are going out tonight.” She finished putting in her earring and looked around the room. “Oh dear you’re not sleeping in the same room are you?”

“We are engaged Mother.” Louis pointed out.

“Promiscuity is a sin in the eyes of our Lord, sweetheart.” She said “Wouldn’t want your soul to be eternally damned. Eleanor darling you can sleep in the guest room across the hall next to my room.”

“I can assure you Mrs. Tomlinson there will be no such thing going on under your roof.” Eleanor attempted to reason with Jay.

“Well aren’t you sweet Eleanor but no you’ll still be sleeping in the guest room.” Jay said.

“I need her here with me Mother, sometimes I get flashbacks and I need her here for support. There will be no sex Mother I promise.” Louis said truthfully. Jay looked him up and down.

“Well I trust you Louis, against my better judgement I trust you. Be good while I’m gone, be back round midnight.” She said and left.

The rest of the night was spent unpacking and watching crap television. And then quickly spent rushing up to bed when Louis’s parents got home, they were nearly caught Louis felt like at 22 he was reliving his teenage years.

* * *

Louis woke up the next morning around eight which was super early for him. He didn’t reckon he’s been up this early before in his life except for when he got up for school as a kid. He didn’t want to wake Eleanor who was snoring her head off, Louis may be exaggerating there. So he decided that he’d go for a walk to the main town. He vaguely remembered Eleanor pointing out where the town was on the drive here. So he put on his warm jacket and he went on an adventure.

The twenty minutes were quite pleasant, there were a lot of posh houses and sheep, in fact in the space of that walk he reckoned he saw more sheep than people. If he did the maths there were probably a ratio of twenty sheep to each person, it was like being in Wales. Huh he could remember Wales’s insults but not the story of his life. Amnesia works in funny ways. At the half hour mark Louis started to entertain the possibility he was lost. At the forty minute mark he was convinced that he was definitely lost there was no two ways about. At the fifty minute mark he was in town and a little embarrassed about how unfit he was and about his breakdown at the forty-five minute mark.

The town was quite small the most exciting shop was the nursery and even then that was only because of the cat that lived there. He was patting it when he turned his head to look at a particularly amusing looking elderly man. He turned his head back to see the cat had gone so clearly the only logical option was to chase after it. He walked briskly around the store until he found the cat again. The cat was being patted by an extremely attractive employee who Louis didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell with. However that never stopped Louis from trying, at least he assumed it did otherwise how do you explain Eleanor? Anyway he walked up and squatted down to the cat’s and the employee’s level.

“Cute,” Louis said.

“Yeah, she is,” The employee said not looking away from the cat who was now lying on her back lapping up the attention.

“Wasn’t talking about the cat,” Louis said.

“I- excuse me?” The employee said confused and look away from the cat and directly into Louis’s eyes. The frown he had suddenly hardened. “Louis?” Wait the guy knew Louis? And, judging by the expression on his face, didn’t like Louis? How big of an arsehole did Louis used to be exactly?

“Hi,” Louis waved at him. This seemed to be a bad move.

“Oh don’t you dare hi me you don’t fucking get to hi me after all the shit you’ve done.” The man angrily whispered. He stood up and went to walk away.

“Wait. Whoever you’re thinking of I’m not him.” Louis said. The man turned around and raised his eyebrow. “Well I am him I’m not his twin brother or something, but I don’t know who you are,” The man scoffed.

“So fucking typical of you,” He muttered and turned around.

“No that came out wrong. I was in a car accident and I have retrograde amnesia and now I don’t know a lot of things not just who you are. I didn’t even know who my fiancée was. She’s not my fiancée anymore because I’m not the repressed homosexual that I once was. And you’re cute and you’re mad at me and I don’t know your name but I’d like to.” Louis rambled. It worked, miraculously. The man turned around.

“And how exactly am I supposed to believe you?” He said. His arms were still crossed, he was still judging Louis like mad. Louis rolled up his right sleeve to reveal his blue cast. The man looked at it for a bit, judging whether or not that was satisfactory evidence.

“I thought your favourite colour was red.” The man said after a while. Louis grinned.

“It is.” Louis answered happily.

“Why is it blue?” The man asked.

“My mother chose it,” Louis said as though that explained everything. The man looked it over

“Do you want me to paint it?” The man asked. Louis nodded

“Yes please.” Louis said. The man smiled. “Before you go though, what’s your name?”

“Harry,” He said. He said it as though Louis should have gone “Well of course you are. It was on the tip of my tongue. Now let’s go over our history in great detail.” But Louis didn’t, Louis just nodded and said.

“Nice name, suits you.” Harry walked off with his shoulders slumped. Louis was free to pat the cat now but as he bent down to pat her she walked off. Unbelievable. Harry returned with a brush and a big can of fire truck red wall paint.

“Sit down.” Harry instructed. “Stick your arm out.” Louis did as he was told. They sat in silence as Harry dipped his brush in the paint and started work on a base coat.

“Why were you angry with me?” Louis asked after a while. Harry faltered. He cleared his throat and continued painting.

“It’s a long and complicated story that I don’t really want to talk about.” Harry said. Louis knew that Harry was clearly over this topic, but Louis still wanted to talk about it.

“Did I hurt you?” Louis asked. Harry ignored him. “Because if I did I just want you to know that I’m sorry. I know that I used to be one hell of an arsehole and that I wasn’t the easiest person to know. But I’m not that anymore I guess, at least I’m trying not to be. And this sounds like the most self-centred apology that you’ve ever gotten. But then I don’t remember what I’m sorry for so it’s also not the most genuine apology you’ve ever gotten. This is more of a pre-apology I guess. The apology before _the apology_ when I’ve remembered what I’ve done and feel like a shithead for months because of it, or possibly when I can’t remember what I’ve done in which case I am _really_ sorry.”

“Oh trust me, you’ll remember.”  Harry interrupted.

“Why won’t you tell me then?”

“Wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise.” Harry said distractedly. He was up to the finger crotch things and getting paint all over Louis’s fingers. Louis didn’t mind that much, in fact he didn’t mind at all.

“Oh come on, please?” Louis begged

“Oi I’m giving you a paint job for free here, you ungrateful bastard.”

“Not the kind of job I wanted you to give me,” Louis muttered under his breath just loud enough for Harry to hear.  Harry glared him with the intensity of a thousand suns. “Sorry.” Harry continued painting while Louis was silently watching him.

He noticed that sometimes Harry would poke his tongue out of the corner of his mouth when it got to the difficult parts. It took every bit of self-control that Louis had to not imagine that tongue all over his body. In fact he did at a few points, he tried very hard not to let it show though.

It was at one point where Harry accidently flicked paint onto his cheek. Louis took a break from staring at his tongue to looking at the red dot on his left cheek.

“Um you got paint on your…” Louis trailed off as Harry tried to wipe it off. He went to the wrong cheek though. “No the other… up a bit… left.. no other left… no just let me do it.” Taking his free hand Louis pressed his thumb lightly against Harry’s cheek. He probably shouldn’t have done that because now it was like the world had stopped.

Their gazes met and if Louis didn’t want Harry before he sure as hell wanted him now.  Harry looked dishevelled and good god did it suit him. His black button up had a few buttons undone revealing his ever so slightly tanned chest. Louis couldn’t help but let his eyes fall down and work their way back up. Louis particularly noticed Harry’s lips they were slightly parted and so fucking kissable. Harry slowly but purposefully dragged his tongue over his bottom lip. Louis watched it intently and bit his own lip in an attempt to control himself. That just made Harry’s eyes widen. Louis realised that they were slowly moving towards each other and Louis slowly moved his arm to give them room. That was a bad decision as it snapped Harry out of this daze.

“Right well, I think your arm’s done.” Harry said and collected his things. “I’ll see you round I guess. How long you staying here?” Harry asked. It took a minute for Louis to register that Harry even said something.

“Oh uhh a week I think.” Louis said he looked at Harry’s face and saw that the paint was still there.

“Wonderful.” Harry said as though it wasn’t wonderful at all he stood up and quickly left Louis as fast as he could.

“The paint’s still there.” Louis yelled after him, but Harry ignored him. Louis sighed and looked down at his still wet cast. Red really was his favourite colour.

* * *

 " _MUM! MUM!” Louis shouted._

_“What is it Boo?” Jay said smiling._

_“Look I found a starfish!” Louis said proudly and picked it up out of the water._

_His mother and Louis were at the beach, they were currently looking through the rock pools. Louis must be about four because he is wearing power ranger themed board shorts._

_“Oh isn’t it pretty?” She said._

_“Just like me Mum.” Louis stated. Jay laughed._

_“Yes just like you Boo.” Jay said. “Now put it back in the water so it can breathe again.” Louis suddenly panicked. He was hurting it? He quickly put it back where he found it and apologized to it. Jay picked up her son quite suddenly making Louis giggle._

_“Muuummmmm! What are you doing?” He said between giggles. Jay started to walk._

_“Hugging my favourite son.” She said. She got to the water and put Louis down. Louis started to run._

_“Race ya!” Louis yelled. Jay chased after him until Louis stopped suddenly in the water and yelled triumphantly “I WIN!”_

_“Hey no fair you can’t just say you’ve won.” Jay said and sat down next to him._

_“I. win.” Louis repeated as though talking to a deaf person and splashed water at her. Jay laughed._

_“Oh  we’re doing that now?” She asked. Louis nodded. “You should know by now no one escapes the claws of… THE TICKLE MONSTER!!!” She yelled and started to tickle him._

_“NOOOOoooooooooo.” Louis wailed but it quickly turned into laughter. After while Louis shouted “Stop! You win.”_

_“That’s right Boo! No one messes with the tickle monster.” She said. Louis laughed at her._

_“You’re silly,” Louis said._

_“I know Boo,” Jay said and swept Louis up in a hug. ”I’m very silly.”_

_“Love you Mum.” Louis said and he meant it. She hugged him tighter._

_She didn’t wear the silver cross back in those days._

* * *

Louis didn’t see Harry again for a while, he went into the nursery to point him out to Eleanor but he wasn’t there. He told Eleanor all about him and she said that Louis never talked about anyone named Harry ever in all the 2 and a half years they knew each other.

So it was a huge surprise when Harry appeared on Louis’s doorstep. Harry was standing there awkwardly, he seemed like he wasn’t sure what he was doing here. Louis leant on the doorframe and crossed his arms.

“I knew you’d come crawling back for more.” Louis smirked.

“Right I’ll be off then.” Harry said and turned away. Louis’s smirk dropped.

“No wait don’t go I was only joking.” Louis pleaded. Harry turned around and started laughing. “You prick.”

“Hurry up and let me in, it’s freezing out here.” Harry said and didn’t wait for Louis to invite him inside. As he went in he looked around the room. “Shiny as ever I see. Jay has really outdone herself.”

“You know my mother?” Louis asked

“The whole town knows your mother.” Harry said. “The perfect Mrs Jay Tomlinson, I don’t know what you remember about her, but I can personally guarantee that she is not perfect. She’s not home is she?”

“No. She’s at a church fundraiser with Dad and Eleanor. I don’t remember much. Bits and pieces mostly. She didn’t approve of the homosexual son.” Louis said like it didn’t bother him, which it surprisingly didn’t. Remembering certain things was painful but after he got over it fully he was ok.

“No she didn’t. Every time we would enter the room she would glare at you. It was like she was trying to make you straight with the power of her glare.” Harry snorted.

“I remember she once sat me down and told me I would get AIDS and called me a sodomite.” Louis laughed at the ridiculousness of it. His mother was bizarre.

“You never told me that.” Harry said concerned.

“Why would I?” Louis asked. Harry looked away. “No seriously tell me why you were so important because I won’t remember until you tell me.”

“We were together for four years, Lou.” Harry explained. He said it as though he shouldn’t have to say it.

To say Louis was in shock was an understatement. A thousand thoughts were rushing through his head, most of them were “Erm HOW??” because this boy was out of league. Also why would he go to Eleanor from this personification of sex that was standing in front of him? And furthermore why in the hell were they ever not together? Louis wants to be duct taped to this man, ok maybe not but still there’s always marriage.

“We were a couple?” Louis asked. Harry nodded. “So… we fucked… and I don’t remember it even a little bit… That is the shittiest thing I have ever heard. I mean that’s almost as bad as the fact that we are not together right now.”

“Don’t complain to me. You were the one that dumped me.” Harry said and walked over to the lounge in the living room and made himself comfy.

“Wait... _I_ dumped _you_?” Louis said. He followed Harry into the living room, he was not as done with this conversation as Harry was. He sat on the lounge next to Harry “Did I say why? Because I am telling you now it’s not because I am not attracted to you.”

“You texted me “it’s over. I’m so sorry Harry.” and then I never heard from you again. I heard that you were hospitalized over something that no one would talk about and then all of a sudden you were engaged to this pretty female law student.” Harry ranted.

 There was a lot in that rant for Louis to process, he sat there in silence. He couldn’t believe he’d do something so heartless to Harry. He also couldn’t believe he was hospitalized over something so scandalous. Also since when was Eleanor a law student? But why would he do that to Harry? He couldn’t understand anything about who he used to be. The only explanation he could think of was that he used to be allergic to anything good in his life.

“I’m sorry Lou. I shouldn’t have told you all that. I forgot that you were hearing all this for the first time.” Harry said apologetically. “I just I thought when I said it you’d go ‘Oh I remember that’. But you haven’t.”

“No it’s ok. I probably need to hear it at some point.” Louis said. “It’s just a lot to take in at once you know? I can’t believe I was such a fucking dickhead.”

“I didn’t think you were. There was something seriously wrong with you towards the end. You were very antsy, like you were scared of me, but I didn’t do anything to make you act that way. ” Harry said. There was a silence as neither of them knew what to say.

“Can I just ask you something? Did we ever make out on the deckchair?”

“Did we ever? We nicknamed it ‘the love chair’ we were doing it so much.  We had our first kiss on it.” He reminisced.

“I REMEMEBER THAT!” Louis shouted excitedly. “I made a complete tit of myself, rambling on about how I was gay with myself.” Harry laughed.

“It was kinda cute in a weird way.” Harry said.

“I remember that. It was like a flashback, after I remembered it I was ready to go on a Prince Charming hunt for the boy in the deckchair.” Louis said beaming.

“How would you have known it was him? Like Prince Charming had a glass slipper what do you have?” Harry pointed out the flaw in Louis’s plan. Louis stopped and thought about it.

“I would have kissed them I guess. Go round snogging the boys of Doncaster until I found my Cinderella,” Louis supposed.

“You slut.” Harry joked.

“How dare you impugn my virtue?” Louis said in a mock furious tone.

“Impugn your virtue?” Harry asked disbelievingly.

“Yeah I’m a virgin y’know.” Louis said. He was enjoying this.

“Honey I can tell you from personal experience that there is nothing virginal about you.” Harry remarked.

“Yeah but I don’t remember it do I?” Louis said. From the deafening silence from Harry Louis assumed he had won this fight. But what Louis didn’t realise is that Harry and he were moving closer and closer together throughout this conversation.

Without any warning Harry put his hands on the crook of Louis’s neck pushed their lips together. It started out feeling pleasant but as it grew Louis could feel his heart pounding in his chest. His palms started to sweat and he inhaled but it felt like no air was going into his lungs. He pulled away from Harry.

_Why do you insist on being same sex attracted and an abomination in the eyes of the lord? Were you abused as a child?_

He was wrong, this was wrong. He shouldn’t be doing this. He can’t be doing this. This is wrong. He could feel his body going numb and he still couldn’t fucking breathe. He made the breaths shallower in an attempt to let more air in but it made him feel unbearably dizzy. The room was spinning as well as he couldn’t see anything, he could feel bile forming in the back of his throat

_Mrs Tomlinson the reparative therapy just isn’t working on your son I think we need to do something drastic to remove the SSA._

Everything had gone blurry, he knew Harry was there somewhere but he couldn’t see him through the tears in his eyes.

_Easy now Tomlinson just swallow it down and we can begin the treatment. Come on now Tomlinson don’t you want to make your mother proud of you?_

He can’t do this, he _can’t_ do this. His lungs were closing off he wasn’t even sure if he was breathing anymore. There were thoughts rushing through his mind all screaming at him. He was a failure, a faggot and he just deserved to rot in hell. He felt an arm on his back which made him seize up. He couldn’t move his limbs were too numb he had lost control. He felt petrified of the arm trapping him there and he started trembling.

 _Just let it out now Tomlinson. It’s a perfectly normal reaction to such a perverted act.  Just think that you wanted to be one of those sodomites._   

He blacked out everything after this point. It wasn’t until later did he fully regain any sort of control over his body. He noticed that at some point he had fallen of the couch and was now sitting on the floor. His vision was still slightly blurry but he could make out Harry kneeling in front of him looking extremely panicked. He still had his arm draped on Louis’s back but it was now more comforting then claustrophobic. Louis pulled his knees up into his chest and Harry tightened his grip and pulled him close.

_Mrs Tomlinson I think we can deem this treatment a success._

* * *

It took him a while to fully piece together what he remembered then, some of it he really didn’t want to remember and it took him a while to fully acknowledge that he remembered it. But what he remembered was this.

When he was about 16 his mother took him into reparative therapy, which was this bogus “pray away the gay” kind of thing. Once a week after school his mother would drive him to church where the therapist would meet them. They’d ask him questions trying to figure out what was the root of his same sex attraction problem. Louis would reply with smartarse comments and they’d sigh and complain to his mother that he was being very unresponsive. Louis doesn’t remember if the therapy bothered him, he remembers rolling his eyes and staring at clocks a lot. He remembers one session where he stared at a spot on their forehead for the entire thing. His therapist was very self-conscious after that.

After about a year or so his therapist realised that the treatment just wasn’t working on Louis for a strange reason. The strange reason the therapist said was possibly demonic possession. Louis didn’t think they were serious until he was lying on a table with the therapist muttering Latin. Louis found it to be quite soothing and he dozed through it, exorcisms were surprisingly relaxing. When the therapist came to the conclusion that it wasn’t demonic possession they decided to do a stronger treatment. Louis didn’t realise there was something stronger than an exorcism but apparently there was. He was given a bracelet and a remote control, whenever he thought sinful thoughts he was to press the button and the bracelet would administer an electric shock. As soon as his mother wasn’t looking he chucked it into the nearest dumpster, he didn’t think the therapist thought that one through. He told the therapist this and the therapist frowned at him as though Louis was the bane of his life, Louis probably was he didn’t know much about his therapist’s life. The next few treatments were a bit hazy after that, he vaguely remembers someone telling him to close his eyes and think of Jesus. Louis was sad that he didn’t remember that one, it sounds hilarious.

The final treatment was given when Louis was 18. He remembers thinking it was going to be like the other ones, scoff worthy, he was wrong. The therapist sat him down on a chair and gave him a very big bucket. He made Louis take a drink out of a small brown bottle and he turned on a projector. The video that was played was gay pornography interlaced with pictures of Harry. Louis didn’t know what was in that bottle but it made him violently ill. Louis remembers at one point being surrounded by his own sick with the therapist saying something like don’t you feel better now?

This process happened about five times and Louis remembers every lurch of his stomach, every time he thought he was going to die, every time that he wished that he would. At the fifth time his therapist deemed it a success and Louis would no longer partake in same sex attraction. It may have only happened five times but he relived it hundreds if not thousands of times in his head. He remembers that he developed a fear of vomiting so he didn’t leave the house during winter in fear he’d catch something. He remembers one time he saw a guy in town that looked like one of the guys in the video and it made him feel physically sick. The worst part was he remembers Harry would come over his house and Louis would be trembling if Harry even looked at him.

That’s all he remembers and now he understands at least partially why Louis used to be such an arsehole.


End file.
